Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
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Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
*mops up wine with cat*