Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
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I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this