Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
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Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Cannot stop laughing at this
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this