Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
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You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.