[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
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I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
This is hilarious….
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude