Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
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Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
True?
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Finally, a door that understands me
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.