My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
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me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Mood.. 😂
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.