My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
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Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Care for your back
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.