I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
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My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout