“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
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I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.