me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
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[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
😆this is so true
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since