Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
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I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house