There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
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If my name was Pooh I wouldn鈥檛 wear pants either
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya鈥檒l can have some bread.
choose your gary
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Me: c鈥檓on get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn鈥檛 even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 馃檪
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don鈥檛 believe it鈥檚 not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It鈥檚 can鈥檛. The word is can鈥檛. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don鈥檛 believe it鈥檚 not can鈥檛.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.