I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
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Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.