Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
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Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
No way!
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
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