boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
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Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.