Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
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angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her