The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
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My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation