If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
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Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?