Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
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The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
#Caturday
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?