Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
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They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
beware of dog
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
B
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.