Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
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When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Beware of the “party goblin”…
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.