Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
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Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.