If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
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Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Me: Whereâs the remote?
Toddler: I didnât eat it!
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
is this store having a stroke wtf
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I donât remember
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
This year for Mothers Day, Iâd just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Just passing along this helpful tip I found đ
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, Iâll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: âSleeping soothes the seethingâ you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Waiters who dont write stuff downâwhat do you win?
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Itâs obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
[approaching a person with a service dog whoâs wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Helpful tip: Donât write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.