When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
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The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.