I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
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*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
u guys got any snacks onboard here
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Breaking news:
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”