*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
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This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face