One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
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Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”