A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
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Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Gemma Correll
Oh the world we live in…
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]