Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
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Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
buying dead houseplants to save time
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92