someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
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15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Phonetics
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe