Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
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babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.