Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
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I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads