6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
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[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Cannot stop laughing at this
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.