When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
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ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Good morning.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs