There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
You Might Also Like
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Simple enough.