It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
You Might Also Like
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Employees must applaud the planets.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.