I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
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Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.