10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
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When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”