Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
You Might Also Like
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Yes my dude
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday