$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
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Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.