I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
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Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.