A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
You Might Also Like
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.