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security at the airport getting more straightforward
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Noah
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.