mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
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me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?