Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
You Might Also Like
Just why bro?!
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
i think we should see other cousins
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
this isn’t threatening at all
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
But is it really??
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.