88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
You Might Also Like
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this