“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
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[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.