i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
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Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
The Struggle
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋