If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
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7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs